For me, there are two kinds of bad movies: There are the fun bad movies that you can laugh at (or with) because both you and the movie know that they are bad, and there are the bad movies that are not fun to watch at all and instead just make you really pissed off because the movie thinks it is being all clever and awesome when it is totally NOT. Piranha DD is among the latter category. Indeed, this movie would have been better suited to be a part of Project Terrible because I have just been royally peeved about it since watching it.

(And please don't hate me, Project Terrible friends, for I know that I am late with my last two movies. For some reason, blogging has been really hard for me lately.)

In this sequel, the ferocious piranha that wreaked havoc one year earlier at Lake Victoria have spawned in a nearby lake. With incredibly bad timing, the fish find a way into the pipes that supply a large waterpark, which is about to have its big grand opening day.

I remember being initially excited about a sequel to the amazingly awesome Piranha remake when news first broke. Piranha was a campy gore-fest that won major cool points with me with the Spring Break massacre sequence, where there was a gore gag one right after the other and the effects work from KNB was outstanding. And with the success of Piranha, a sequel was more than welcome. But when I finally rented Piranha DD, I suddenly remembered why I had not rushed out to the theaters to see it - the movie was directed by John Gulager.

In case you don't know, John Gulager is a terrible director. I caught him in action when the filming of his first movie Feast was the focus of the television show Project Greenlight and I wondered how in the hell this total pussy could be a director. Feast was a terrible movie, all the more so because of this dude's inept approach to filmmaking. To further make this assertion true, Gulager does absolutely nothing with Piranha DD except make it an incredibly retarded and disjointed stinkfest that pales in comparison to the original.

The pacing of the movie is off by a mile, as it starts out somewhat okay - except for the non-explanation of how the piranha managed to come back in the first place (wait, what? They were living in a dead cow's belly and when it farts, they're back? What?). Then the movie goes from moving too fast with the story to moving a bit too slow to... well, to not having a real story at all. So many things are wrong with the story, the main one being that the characters never involve any real authority figures when they discover the piranha! Maddy and Shelby encounter one on the dock and they kill it. They have fucking tangible PROOF that there are piranha in the lake and they don't tell ANYBODY. They go to see Christopher Lloyd, the piranha guy or whoever he is, but he doesn't help and his only purpose is to explain how the piranha can get into the waterpark through the outflow pipes.

It was fun to see Lloyd reprise his role, but most of the other actors are miscast simply because they should be in better movies than this. David Koechner as Chet is the only exception, as he is the same kind of smarmy but slightly lovable guy I've seen him as in other movies, so he's totally perfect for this character. By the way, I know a guy who knows a guy whose uncle is David Koechner. That's right, people, I am *this* close to Hollywood. Anyway. Katrina Bowden was fantastic in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil but here in her relatively small role of Shelby - the girl who has a piranha come out of her cooch - she does the best she can and that's really all I can say. Ving Rhames could have been used so much more here, instead his role seems like an afterthought.

Don't even get me started on The Hoff. I don't have the mental strength to relive his scenes right now. Let's just say that every minute he was on screen was some of the most appallingly bad acting and dialogue I have ever had the displeasure of suffering through.

One thing a sequel usually does is make the gore bigger and better than the first one, but Piranha DD falls immensely short in that regard. The piranha attacks are rather boring with hardly any gore to talk about. This movie also boasts the second most impossible decapitation I've ever seen. The first one was in Hatchet 2 when a dude is decapitated by human intestines. In this movie, Chet loses his head by one of those plastic decoration things with all the triangle flags on it. That... just... wouldn't happen. At all. Ever. Then, to make this scene worse, his flying decapitated head is caught by a topless woman who screams while holding the head between her breasts and jiggling them. And the slow motion! Holy fuck, if I never see another unnecessary and cheesy slow motion shot in my entire life, it will be too soon.

So in case I didn't make myself clear, I hated Piranha DD. Fucking hated it. The direction, acting, and editing are just plain horrible, and the whole mess of a movie was a complete waste of time and money for everyone involved. To John Gulager: Please do me a favor and stay the fuck away from my beloved horror movies.

You little ginger moron.



Sidenote: Did anyone else notice the shot of the girl with a tattoo right above her privacy area that said "Fine dinin' "? Ew.

Movie Review: Piranha DD (2012). There are any Movie Review: Piranha DD (2012) in here.