Getting a lot of short films sent to me lately, and they have actually all been really good. Personally, I think making a short film is more challenging than a feature length film simply because of the constraints you're under. The story has to be quick, easy to follow, and have room to grow. "Hack Job" by filmmaker Matthew McPhee is a great example of this. Well made and intriguing - I want to see more!

Short and Sweet: Hack Job (2015). There are any Short and Sweet: Hack Job (2015) in here.

Monday Peter Jackson's long time Oscar winning cinematographer Andrew Lesnie died of a heart attack at age 59. His work with Peter Jackson goes all the way back to the Fellowship of the Ring (which one him his Oscar) and continued from there to the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy, King Kong, The Lovely Bones, The Hobbit Trilogy, and Rise of the Planet of the Apes. His final film, The Water Diviner, was just released in theaters. AICN's Quint has a lovely eulogy for the famed cinematographer whose work helped create how we see Middle-Earth. Condolences to his friends and family.

Update: Peter Jackson has commented on the death of his "brother":

“Being an only child, I grew up wondering what it would be like to have a brother. It wasn’t until today, in trying to deal with the terrible news of Andrew’s passing, that I came to realise how much he had become that person for me – someone I could intrinsically love and trust – which I know now means someone who is up for all the good and the bad. Andrew was an irreplaceable part of my family and I am in total disbelief that I’ll never again hear his infectious laugh, nor benefit from his quiet wisdom, or enjoy his generous praise. Andrew created unforgettable, beautiful images on screen, and he did this time and again, because he only ever served what he believed in – he was his own artist, separate from me, but always working generously to make what we were trying to create together better. On set we developed an ability to work together using a minimum of words – a rare meeting of minds. I will always remember turning up, countless times, at five in the morning – all those quiet moments I had with him when I could step on to set and know he was there – unfazed, ready, listening, interested, more importantly – ready to catch me if I faltered. He always had my back. The more anxious I became, the more calm he would be. A solid rock in the unpredictable world we both chose to work in. After 17 years and 8 movies together, the loss of Andrew is very hard to bear.”

RIP LOTR Cinematographer Andrew Lesnie. There are any RIP LOTR Cinematographer Andrew Lesnie in here.

No really, I promise I'm not dead. I guess I just needed another little hiatus, which actually came at a bad time because I'm about to take another little hiatus come this Thursday when I leave for my THIRD Texas Frightmare Weekend! Oh, yes, I will have detailed recaps. And this year is the 10th anniversary for the convention so you definitely won't want to miss all the awesome. In the interim, though, I watched Chopping Mall and it was fucking amazing.

A group of hot young 80s kids become trapped overnight in a mall after sneaking in to do some partying and fornicating at the furniture store. But that same night, the three new security robots go rogue after a bad lightning strike and start killing off the kids one by one. You know, because they gotta protect all that important mall shit AT ALL COSTS.

So the movie has a bit of a false start as they begin with showing a promotional video for how the robot guards work by having one take down a robber. The characters at this presentation never show up in the movie again and only serve as exposition for introducing the robots and all the cool toys and attachments they have, kind of like vacuum cleaners, because you know that all that stuff is going to come up later in the plot later when the killing starts.

Anywho, we move on from there to a pretty funny opening credit sequence followed by the introductions for a few of our main characters. These include the cute-but-not-hot-enough final girl (spoiler alert) Allison and her friend Suzie. The guys that work at the furniture store where the party will be are Greg, Mike, and "I can't find the fuchsia" Ferdy. Rick and Linda are a married couple who own a garage, and Leslie is the ditzy blonde with big tits. Everyone is actually fairly likable despite the occasional bouts of cheesy acting, especially from Leslie and her boobs. Allison and Linda are particularly impressive, and I really wish the latter character had survived longer.

The kills in Chopping Mall are surprisingly awesome given the movie's cheapness. The first couple of deaths are lame, but then out of nowhere things get really amazing when Leslie is chased by a robot after finding Mike's dead body. It goes after her with little laser shots in the ass, until one makes a direct hit to her head and makes it explode in the most glorious way. I fell in love. There's also a burning, a fall from several stories, and another laser kill (a really lame death that Linda didn't deserve). Actually, what is more cool than the robot kills are the elaborate traps that the humans set up for them. They were much more inventive than I was expecting. The thing with the elevator was very cool, and Allison's thing with all the paint and paint thinner went on for a little too long but was still a good idea. You know a girl means business when she sticks a road flare down her shirt "just in case."

Overall, I found Chopping Mall to be just as cheesy as you would think it would be from the title - but also very smart. It still has the fun 80s vibe with the light-hearted tone, and the pacing is good, with only a few lulls here and there. Otherwise, the action is good and the likable characters are very proactive in their situation, which I like a lot. Really fun, cool movie that still has a good head on its shoulders. That it explodes really well.

Movie Review: Chopping Mall (1986). There are any Movie Review: Chopping Mall (1986) in here.

For your enjoyment, here is the amusing countdown of "Everything Wrong with The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies." As usual this is in fun and purposely over (if accurately) over analyzes the movie.

Everything Wrong with The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. There are any Everything Wrong with The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies in here.

I'm not dead, just busy. Will be getting back to reviews soon!

In the meantime, here is a nice little short film for you all to enjoy today! The drawings are pretty cool, I gotta say.

Short and Sweet: Something's Coming to Get Us. There are any Short and Sweet: Something's Coming to Get Us in here.

Wait, what? Is this little blog FIVE years old today? Yes, it is!


In related news, I also turned 30 yesterday, so that's two milestones reached back-to-back. What a fantastic year!

5 YEARS OLD!!!. There are any 5 YEARS OLD!!! in here.

V/H/S: Viral (2014)
More Nacho Vigalondo in the roundup today, friends. But his appearance here is both good and bad. Overall, V/H/S: Viral made me pretty angry while I was watching it because it so immensely shitty. I didn't totally love either of the first two films, but they each had some really solid stand-out segments that were put together with a semi-decent wraparound story. This third installment, though, basically has no wraparound story - or at least not one that really makes any sense or is explained all that well. The individual segments then just feel sort of there, with no real cohesion. "Dante the Great" was actually pretty cool with its flashy visuals and neat special effects but it didn't match the style of any of the previous V/H/S segments so it feels really out of place; Nacho's "Parallel Monsters" was probably the best one; and then it all goes to shit with the last segment "Bonestorm" and then the conclusion of the wraparound. Really wasn't feeling this movie at all, or maybe it's just that the V/H/S movies have run their course. Let's hope so, because I don't know if there is any coming back from this.


I was curious about this one because Forest Whitaker is obviously THE MAN, and it was sorta recommended to me in a roundabout way. So anyway, the movie is about a life coach who needs money when his deadbeat brother comes back into his life, so he takes on a personal client in Angel Sanchez (Whitaker). But Angel gets all unnerved when the coach stops his therapy, so he kidnaps him and holds him hostage in his home. The torture that Angel inflicts is actually pretty harsh at times, which doesn't really mesh with the movie's tone. It says "psychological thriller" but it could just as easily be a straight-up drama, even if the main character didn't lose any fingers. Or get shot. The ending is ambiguous, so we don't really get to find out either way. Overall Repentance feels like a way more intense Lifetime movie that thinks it's saying something really poignant, but isn't really saying anything at all. Sadly, Whitaker isn't worth this one - it's a miss.


The Fifth Element (1997)
Yeah, I had never seen The Fifth Element until like, two months ago. So how could NO ONE tell me how awesome this movie was for the past EIGHTEEN YEARS?! I mean, oh my goodness, The Fifth Element is just such a joyous feast for the eyes and ears from start to finish. It has Bruce Willis, Chris Tucker, Gary Motherfucking Oldman, Milla Jovovich, and all kinds of futuristic shenanigans that had me so fucking mesmerized and amazed. And I LOVE Luc Besson, too, so I had to kick myself in the ass even harder for not seeing this sooner. Just go ahead and chastise me, I know I deserve it.

Movie Roundup: V/H/S: Viral, Repentance, and The Fifth Element. There are any Movie Roundup: V/H/S: Viral, Repentance, and The Fifth Element in here.

Wait, this movie was in 3D? Especially after finally seeing it, I simply must ask the question - "What in the hell for?" I have never heard of such an unnecessary use of 3D before. Truth be told, the movie wasn't all that good for 2D, either. The poster makes it look like it's going to be a lot more sexy, bloody, and interesting than it ends up being, and that is very, very disappointing.

Abby Russell is a dedicated nurse at All Saints Hospital, but she has a weakness for seducing and then murdering men she feels are the worst - cheaters. She is thrown from this personal mission when she becomes involved with Danni Rodgers, a new young nurse at her hospital that she takes under her wing.

Nurse had the perfect setup to be a wonderfully fun camp film with a healthy dose of blood and sex, but it doesn't take advantage of anything that it has going for it. A big problem that contributed to this is that the movie lacks any real focus - it doesn't fully commit to what kind of movie it wants to be, and it doesn't fully focus on a single character. Abby's voiceover throughout suggests that as our narrator, the movie should be told through her eyes. And yet, half of the film seems focused on Abby and the other half seems focused on Danni, the protagonist. The tone is also hard to place. It's a black comedy, but it's not funny at all. It's bloody, but it's not exactly horror all the time. I don't know what it is.

Paz de la Huerta was miscast. Sure, she has a killer hot bod that looks good in that ridiculous nurse's uniform, but everything else about her was so wrong. Abby Russell should have been much more magnetic and charismatic. De la Huerta's diction made it seem like she was going for sultry and pouty, when it really sounded like someone whose first language was not English because of how long it took her to say each line of dialogue (P.S. this is not the case - Paz is American!). Though she gives Abby a lot of confidence in everything that she does, she doesn't make her all that charming, or like she is capable of seducing any man she comes in contact with, which is what the movie suggests. I read somewhere that Dita von Teese was supposed to be in the movie - I think she would have made a much better Abby.

Katrina Bowden, the adorable cutie from Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, tries to step up her game in Nurse as Danni Rodgers. There isn't really much to her character though, and she basically ends up being the typical "figure out who this crazy bitch really is" characters so we can get to the bloody showdown at the end. Boris Kodjoe plays a guy who is way too hot to be a policeman, and is also one of the worst policemen ever because he can't figure out for himself that Abby is a nutcase.

Speaking of the bloody showdown - it really is the best part of the movie, but it's not enough. If Abby was this crazy murderer without a conscience, then we should've gotten some better kills earlier in the movie than just her pushing some guy off a roof. They save all the really good, bloody stuff for the end and it's over far too quickly for it to be satisfying. The flow of the action at the end is also really off and everything happens too easily for Abby. How the hell did she get out of the hospital after all that carnage anyway, SERIOUSLY? Danni is pretty much forgotten about at the end, and another character who they try to make all symbolic (the only man Abby likes) is talked into committing a felony also way too easily just so they can get to the winky-wink ending they had picked out.

I don't know about you all, but I was left with a huge "That's it?" reaction for Nurse. If they had really embraced the inherent campiness that the movie had going for it visually, it could have been much more fun and effective.

Movie Review: Nurse (2013). There are any Movie Review: Nurse (2013) in here.

Houdini  (2014)
Every since I was a child, I have loved magic. There was this TV show that came on once every year called The World's Greatest Magic and I never missed it. Magic shows are just fucking awesome, I don't care who you are. I also learned everything I possibly could about Harry Houdini and still consider him one of my personal idols, so when I finally got the chance to watch this (yet another) miniseries documenting the life of the Great Houdini, I was all over it. And I loved it, too. I was even crying by the end because I am that much of a dweeb and I love this guy that much. Adrien Brody as Houdini was fantastic, and Kristen Connolly as his wife was okay, but mostly I loved the way the story of Houdini's life was presented here. During Brody's voiceovers, he kept referring to the bad things that happened to him as a "punch in the gut" - which was both genius and sad because a punch in the gut is exactly what led to Houdini's death. "Houdini" is a very solid miniseries and a respectful look into the life of one of America's icons.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE! Pardon the bad joke, but I needed something to help me stray from getting too angry over Open Windows. Nacho Vigalondo (hence the bad nacho cheese joke) helms this movie with a concept that I admit at first sounded kinda cool - but once I saw it in practice, realized it wasn't at all. Open Windows stars Elijah Wood as a geeky fanboy to Sasha Grey who gets sucked into this crazy online chaos scam by a super-computer-hacker. I know that doesn't make any sense, but neither does the movie. The whole movie is shown to the audience through a series of "open windows" on Wood's computer screen - random cameras and chat screens, that kind of thing. It got very old after a while, and as the movie headed toward the stupidest and most disappointing climax ever, the quality got very lame as well. I finished watching it just to see how it would end, but I just wasn't feeling the last half of the movie at all.


Dark Skies (2013)
Gah! This fucking movie tricked me again! It tricked me into watching it the first time, thinking that it might be good, but it wasn't good so I forgot all about it. Then it popped up in my Netflix suggestions again and, since I had forgotten about it, I was all "Hmm, maybe this could be good." It's not good, damnit! It's not! Why couldn't I remember that?! Dark Skies is an utterly run-of-the-mill, boring piece of PG-13 alien crap. There's nothing new, nothing interesting, nothing that hasn't been done many times before - which was probably why it was so forgettable. The bland, one-dimensional characters don't help the movie at all, and the acting is only good enough to earn a paycheck. Dark Skies is a turkey, you all probably already know that.

Movie Roundup: Houdini, Open Windows, and Dark Skies. There are any Movie Roundup: Houdini, Open Windows, and Dark Skies in here.